Friday, September 09, 2005

 

Am I destined to become the "Cat Lady"?

WTF? I'm cute, smart, love sex (from what I can remember), funny......Yet, as the day goes by and I talk to my two cats, I realize that I like them more than many people. If I can only teach them to clean the house and bring me wine.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

 

Black Love

Did anybody see the "Being Bobby Brown" show where Whitney had to take such a big shit that it wouldn't come out of her ass? Bobby stuck his fingers in and pulled it out, and Whitney declared "That's black love, right there". I almost fell off the couch laughing so hard.

Now, I don't want anybody fishing something out of my ass, thankyouverymuch, but some hot sex and somebody to fix the door that came off the hinges today would be a good start.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

 

Some Really Bad Dates

Culled from many years of war stories. Some are mine, some are not. We're pretecting the guilty here.

1) Girl meets guy on blind date. They go to the zoo. In her car. On the way there, he says he's having stomach problems. Within minutes she smells something really foul coming from him, but he insists that he is "fine". They get to the zoo - he bolts into the bathroom, leaving her standing outside for a long time. Little kid comes out of the bathroom and says "mommy, there's a guy in the bathroom who is standing in his underwear and washing his pants in the sink". Yup. He comes out, pretends nothing unusual has happened and she races him through the zoo as quickly as she can and calls it a day. That's so wrong, I don't even know where to start!


2) Girl is running late for her date. Doorbell rings, she grabs her shoes and puts them on while going down the stairs. Fancy dinner, great conversation, things are going well. She steps out of his car on the way home and she's been wearing 2 different shoes the whole time. Doh!


Ah, there's more. I just have to put my thinking cap on. Or tell me some of your horror stories!

 

Ah, but will he clean your house naked?

So, my friend has convinced me to blog my dating stories. I've never been very good at keeping a diary, but I'll give it a shot as I am soon to be "in between employment" and may have way too much time on my hands.

What follows is a semi-true, slightly embellished version of my dating life.

Who am I? Well, the basic thought I have is to give enough information about me and/or my dates, but not so much that you'll be able to guess who I am. I need to protect the guilty.

That said - I'm in my (later) 30s. I don't know how that happened. I don't feel like I'm in my (later) 30s. I don't think I look it (people seem surprised, and they can't ALL be blowing smoke up my ass, right?). In fact, I think I'm getting better every year. I'm in good shape, I am pretty cute (if I do say so myself), have a brain (and am not afraid to use it).

So, who have I been dating? Oh, at times lots of guys - at times none. Still haven't figured it all out.

There was the old taste - you know - bankers, lawyers, doctors........Always white (as am I), professional, suit-wearing, Zagat-reading, tall, "traditioinally handsome". You know the type.

I had a breakthrough 2 years or so ago and tried to figure out what I really want. Turns out none of that nonsense was on the list. Nothing about age, appearance, occupation, etc. All about passion for something, somebody who travels, reads, has at least a passing knowledge of current events. They still can't be Republican. I've tried, but I just can't do it. (I even have a friend who is in charge of making sure I don't kiss any Republicans. She has the keys to the car to run my ass over if necessary).

So, in my quest to break out of my rut, who did I date? Let's see:
- photographers (a few too many in one year. No nude pictures, surprisingly)
- musicians (I see the appeal here. Unforunately, there are only so many "let's rent a DVD and stay home" nights I can deal with )
- chefs (not so good for the waistline, but it is nice to be cooked for)
- bartenders (charming. Often too charming)
- guys with lots of tattoos
- short guys (we're the same height lying down, right?)

But I almost forgot the best - foreign guys! Oh, I love me some foreign guys -

Latino guys (from PR, Spain, Mexico....si, si, si)
Euro guys (I have a thing for Brits and those with good accents - ditto South Africans)
Eastern Euro guys - good hair/eye color combo

I can't remember them all. Some were great, some .....not so much.

On Craigs List, my friend sends me postings for submissive men who want to come over and clean my house while naked. Either she's telling me that my house is dirty (um...maybe so) or she can see me sitting on my couch giving orders.

The search goes on.

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